should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
