I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
