need another drink. this is the easiest way
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
how drunk are you?
Several
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
