k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
