a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
