Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
