Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
