Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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