im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
