i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize