Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
