I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
