He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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