He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
