what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Fuck appropriateness.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
