cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
