hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
