NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
