I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
