his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
