I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
