I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
