Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
