I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
