I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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