I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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