I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
