I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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