Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Lo siento on account of my penis...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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