if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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