just come out here and I will go home with you...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
