So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
