Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
