yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the day after is always just damage control
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
