...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
