it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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