My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
