Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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