A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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