Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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