Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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