Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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