you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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