Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
