I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
