Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
