Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
