I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
