my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
