My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
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